It is not easy to accept failures.
Whenever things are doing great, you feel good, at peace with people and at peace with God, you think that nothing is gonna go wrong. You think that, after all, you are not that bad: come on, look how patient I am with my brothers, look how kind I was to that old woman, look how obedient I was to my parents. What a great daughter I am. And, hey, see how people like me? I must be someone really special.
But one morning you wake up, get dressed, get breakfast and then someone comes up to you, telling you that you could have done things in a different way. You should have waken up earlier and walked out the dog. You should have cleared up the kitchen yesterday night, look how dirty it is now. You should have done that, that and that.
What is your reaction? Are you going to listen to that, nod and then apologize? I usually don't answer in the first place. Or I just say: "Yeah, fine..." and I keep doing whatever I was doing. Then if they keep on saying what I must do, or what I should have done I start to answer back. Rudely. Why me? Why not my brothers? Why can't you just leave me alone? WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME WHAT I HAVE TO DO AND WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG? So now we got to the point: I don't want to be told what I must do. I don't want someone to tell me that I have to change attitude, shut up and apologize. I don't want someone to tell me that I failed at doing something. No. Cause I am good the way I am. I don't need to change. I clearly won't submit myself and admit that I might have done something wrong. So let the fight begin.
So, whose the fault? People around me? Who is to blame?
I think pride. My stupid and arrogant pride.
I feel superior to the other people, because I feel so great today, because I am such a funny and pleasant person. And you know what? You don't even notice that you're thinking that. It starts very slowly, inside of your mind. It comes with the simple thought: "Hey, you did that great. You're such a good person. Very well done."
BUT I DON'T MEAN, that you have to think bad of yourself all the time: it is not bad to feel good about something you have "very well" done. It is not bad to feel at peace with yourself because you did the best thing that had to be done. Just don't let them take control over you and tell you that you're a good person. When you make mistakes, BE HUMBLE. Admit your faults. Do not try to hide them. You are not perfect. Nobody is.
When I realized that, this morning I saw my real, dirty and sinful soul in the mirror of God. I was like: "Hey, wow. That's me. I am not so perfect, ey? I thought that I was good christian, because I pray so much and because I kinda help people in need. I thought I was going to get baptized next week because I am such a good... daughter of God. Ridiculous. I am ridiculous. Trying to be perfect because I want to earn the grace that God has already given me."
It is hard at first to accept that you have failed. Again. Cause this is not the first time that you bang your head against the wall (not sure if you can say it like that..). This is not the first fight you had - it's actually the second this week. This is not the first time that you have hurt people because of your selfish attitude.
And you feel bad. How could I have done that? I mean, I always go around telling people the Good News, God loves you, Jesus died for you. He wants to be your God and give you the most amazing Peace and Joy that you have ever experienced. He wants to give you light into your dark soul. He wants to give you LIFE. And now, you did exactly the worst thing you could have done. You weren't respectful. You were arrogant. You thought you could save yourself. And you start crying (well, I did).
And then you realize: this is not about you and what you do. You don't deserve the grace of God. You don't deserve His loving presence and the life he gives you. BUT (and this is the most awesome thing!) He gives it to you for free! His love is so much more that what we think and what we do.
The day you realize that you CAN'T earn God's grace, you'll experience this Peace. This reassuring, beautiful and undeserved Peace. The peace that only God can give you. No one else. Not even you.
This song says exactly that : check it out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CO6ycaEY6A
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